Finally Tying The Knot?


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After getting engaged in 2006 we started talking about actually doing the deed next year. ­čśŤ Well, there is a room called the Rose Room at City Hall where 4 people can watch a judge marry us, so that leaves the wedding license and rings.

I always intended on slimming down and getting a Vera Wang dress eventually, but since my weight is not shifting I’ve come up with two options – either any nice dress any colour, or a plus size wedding gown. These are the options thus far:

I like the last one, but part of me thinks a white gown is still too traditional for a quickie ceremony, right?

All a little hush-hush


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(Art in banner courtesy of Z-GrimV)

This is me not talking about it. Trying very hard not to talk about it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do tbh, but I can at least reflect upon how I got to this point.

About ten years ago I closed a site based on my personal work, my own high fantasy world. I closed it to focus on university and family and to try and work with an agent to get published. That never happened, university and my health came first. The irony this time around is it’s when I am forced to step back from a 6 year forum project I get made an offer! It’s crazy. I’ve only known this fandom for a few months but I’ve fallen in love with it and I think that not being a lore expert might work in my favour.

Plot is King, this is something I’ve always believed and it was what drew people to my sites. Characters are key of course, but too much selfishness and focus on a few can be to the detriment of the story. I am and I always have been a storyteller and my characters are there to dance (or die!) at my command. It’s why in the end collaborative forum RPing (as an admin) had to go (one of the reasons anyway). Too many selfish needs and no one wanting to tell the grand story and link things together. That’s all well and good and makes for a good RP forum perhaps, but it’s not how I want to write anymore. It’s not the kind of story I want to tell…

So here I am, riddled with pain and on the precipice of so many things, the promise of dreams coming true (in small ways perhaps but I expected no less in such a competitive area).

Watch this space for news on this project in the coming months. I can promise it’ll involve lots of violence, great characters, lots of sexy times and my own brand of immersion and storytelling!

The Next Thinga


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So what’s next? Well…

I have been invited to present my research at a national conference in Manchester. I am hoping to co-write a journal paper based on said research and also base my proposal for PhD research on these things. I am excited and nervous and all kinds of apprehensive, but mostly just glad to have positive things to focus on.

I recently had to give up a hobby I’d been doing for 12 years because on the pain in my wrists. It helped me through the worst of times since my diagnosis and it’s going to be missed, as are the friends I made through this hobby. Some I’ll keep because the hobby never defined our friendship, some will inevitably fade away without the hobby in common anymore. Some I’ll be glad to see the back of.

Rediscovering old hobbies has been fun, as well as engaging more in Tabletop, though I’d really like to have a local group and do it face to face instead of over Skype (which I detest) and Roll20 (which is actually a very cool website).

We are still trying for a baby, but with me turning 37 this week and another month with the dreaded arrival of the “monthly” I don’t have much hope. So I focus on the things I can sort of control, and push for that which will make me happy – spending time with my Simon top of that list!

So for today the next “thinga” is Dragon Age Inquisition DLC’s, first of which is the “Jaws of Hakkon”.┬á Fun times!


Site Runner No More


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Perhaps some time in the coming months I’ll edit in a scan picture of my wrists. My right has joint problems that will 95% need surgery and my left has inflamed tendons (the worst of it on my wrist but the damage goes up my forearm too). I’m supposed to be coming down from the tramadol in lieu of pregnancy but at this rate I’ll be howling in pain 24/7, which sucks.

The pain got too much last week. I had a bit of a meltdown, so tired from lack of sleep these past months and right in the middle of a period (heralding another failure to conceive) meaning I’d not be pregnant before my 37th birthday. Needless to say I was low, low, low and in the end realised I could not continue as I was.

The typing I do for my hobbies is extensive. With the coding and photoshop work on top of actual posting to threads it was becoming too much, it┬áwas too much in fact and had been since my relapse in January. I was just in denial. I didn’t want it to come to an end because that meant I’d never admin another site again. I’d never be involved in the hobby on such a grand scale. Never be a plot runner or rally the troops, would never be a part of a larger community of RPers. It was a lot to come to terms with and it still is, but the bottom line was that I was not willing to lose the friends I’d made because I was too stubborn to just admit defeat.

So here I am, dehydrated from all the crying and I know there will be more to come. Yet I still have my friends, gdocs for those who I know have the patience for me and want to continue the characters we love 1×1, and I still have tabletop and the art I have and will continue to buy. I have Patreon to look forward to and my PhD as well as presenting at a conference this Winter (I hope, as long as my research is good!). So it’s the and of an era and the beginning of a new adventure…

Hopefully a new home, new dog and baby on the horizon.

Stress Kills


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It’s a calm Sunday afternoon. In Sefton Park there is the food festival, Michelin star chefs over there and bands, something I’d be at if not for one thing.

My blood pressure meds ran out.

The pharmacy text us not long before it was due to close yesterday to tell us they were ready to be picked up, but of course we had no way of getting there on time. So Saturday and Sunday I am without my BP pills. Why is this a thing? Well, without them my BP is dangerously high and Sunday is the day I’ll be most vulnerable to stoke/heart attack. So off course the neighbours choose today to be bastards.

An old bitch from another floor rings our doorbell. Over and over and over again. When Simon answers she flies into a litany of rants, telling him he’ll be evicted for leaving rubbish on the landing. To put this into context, until Grenfell Tower no one cared about rubbish being left on the landing, and for us it can be semi common because:

A/ Simon cannot always leave me to go down and sort it (we are on the 11th Floor and it takes a while to get there and back) and

B/ We have two cats, so the rubbish we take down right away is always their litter and stuff likely to stink.

Yes, we care about fire hazards, but we are also wrongly placed in an apartment on the 11th Floor and are in the process of moving – hence the rubbish. Most of it is stuff we are chucking to make the move easier and old boxes etc.

My head is pounding again and I am trying everything I know to keep calm. The moment I came out on my crutches the old bitch left, not answering me or challenging ME about the rubbish! Threatening a disabled woman with eviction is far harder than some random man you see as a chav!

We need to move. We need to move. We need to move.

I am sick of these old people who smoke tobacco and weed and make me physically sick with it! Yet I have to put up with their shit?

I am going to lay down now…

So Close I Can Taste It!


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Nearly There!

The deadline is the 29th August! If I had to hand it in tomorrow then I could… there’d be mistakes but enough is there for it to be alright! I think!

Also spoke to my supervisor about submitting this project as a paper to journals. She thinks this is possible ┬á– so once this is done and marked she’ll decide and over the next 6 months I might be working on this journal article and my proposal for my PhD with her! So exciting! ­čśÇ

Finding Purpose Through Pain


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When I was 14 years old I wanted to be a doctor. I studied hard to try and get on to an A Level course that would mean I could get into Med School. Mum got cancer, then she died, then I took my exams and ended up being screwed over because of my school. Long story short they failed to post my science coursework off so I got “no result” on my GSCE sciences, even though the exam results were AAB (A’s for Biology and Chemistry, B in Physics).

When I was 23 I wanted to be a nurse so I went to college at 25 and studied Psychology, Sociology and English Literature because the two social sciences would get me into nursing school. However during my A Levels I became really interested in Psychology. I ended up applying for a Psychology degree at the University of Liverpool.

When I was 28 I wanted to be either a clinical psychologist or an educational psychologist. I ended up with a 2.1 and placements to volunteer for a year at a school and a hospital.

When I was 32 I fell ill with Transverse Myelitis.

When I was 36 I wanted to be a health psychologist or counselling psychologist so I applied to Liverpool John Moores and began a Health Psychology Masters. However, during the first semester I had a relapse and had to defer half of my assignments. In the second semester I did all my deferrals and my work for that semester and I am on course for a slightly higher grade than the one I got at undergrad.

At 37 I want to study the psychology of pain, to focus on autoimmune disease and eventually be a specialist who develops pain interventions for this group of patients – a group I belong to. It is through my own pain that I come to this final career path and since this pain is with me forever I think it is a good incentive, right? ­čśŤ

My career path has changed due to circumstances. I can adapt and have needed to my whole life. I hope I can be a help to others with chronic pain too.




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With one more month to go here is the progress on my research report!


Really the draft results and discussion should all be ticked since the deadline is today, however, my supervisor needs to give me a slight extension since the reason I am late is because I needed a yay or nay from her. Still handing something in though, just in case!

Whose mood? My mood? What mood?


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Sometimes it’s difficult to tell what is a stressor sometimes – actually, make that a “negative” stressor since not all stress is bad. Stress is a good way to tell you that you might be in for a heart attack, for instance. The problem is that sometimes a stressor can be both positive and negative. For instance, stressing over uni is a good stressor because it invigorates me and keeps me moving forward. However, stressing over exams is a negative stressor because I have a relapse that takes me closer to developing full blown MS.

This week has been a confusing one thus far. All stressors┬áseem to be positive but I cannot help but feel run down and tired, which tells me that maybe they are negative as well. I am pursuing this idea of positive and negative because I know the latter can be eliminated or transformed, this is not some psychobabble “myth” either. I know Mindfulness is a popular as Kabbalah was years ago but the root of the theory is sound. That’s just one example of transforming negative stressors – use mindfulness. Then there is turning what might be a bad situation into something positive by sheer bloody force of will! I like to call this method the “I have no more fucks to give” method.

The best way, I think, to distinguish a positive stressor from ┬ánegative one is essentially┬áhow does it make you feel? Anything that makes you feel anything less than content is negative and you need to do something about it. For me it is often writing, by sublimating I try to transform the negative into something useful at least. Blogging, play by post RPing, writing literotica… they all count.

Fun fact: the cartoon for this post was one my professor used during his fight or flight lectures. ­čśŤ