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Perhaps it’s the hot weather making me sick, or generally feeling powerless, but I am in a bit of a limbo right now. I’ve worked hard on my proposal and everything surrounding my PhD but I seem no closer to it then I was six months ago. I can’t begin for September, which vexes me but that’s mostly because I am 38 this year and I wanted to be qualified before I was 40 – or not long after. It just feels like the timing if off with everything in my life right now, be it education and career, starting a family, or generally being out and about.

I started volunteering for the MS Society last week only to then get an email to say it’s all postponed until the area supervisor is back (she’s had to take a leave of absence), so bad timing for me there. I’m trying to finish my proposal but with the end of term and my supervisor going to Switzerland for work I’m not getting any further with that. Then of course is the baby issue. I’m still not pregnant, but because I was sick my period missed a month and so I had to delay an important cervical procedure. Delaying that means further delay on trying to conceive.

Of course I am impatient, and I’ll not give up, I’m just feeling frustrated and a little deflated right now. On top of that I’m being snappy because I have come off one of my painkillers and am starting to reduce my tramadol as well. All of this in an effort to conceive since those medications can cause miscarriage and birth defects. So irritable from more pain too. All in all I’m not very fun to be around right now.

Oh, and I gained 2kg because I was in funk after the miscarriage and the move was making it hard to cook and eat properly… fucking A right?