Fireworks are set off in the school field opposite my old house. I live there as an adult with my current family set up. I am outside, we are preparing to go over to a carnival when the rockets to the fireworks don’t explode properly. They come raining down but when they land they are huge. I am paralysed with fear and everyone is screaming for me to get back inside. The rockets fall closer and closer until I wake up.
Yes, I feel exposed. Yes, I feel like things are gradually getting worse (in only one very important area of my life). Yes, I feel paralysed with fear. Every fucking day. I fear what new symptom I’ll get or which one will get worse. I fear losing more of my independence. Every step towards something awesome is made harder by the things pulling me down.
No I am not whining or being a depressive fuck for the sake of it. I am not sure people truly believe this though. I don’t think they understand that while beautiful things do happen to me and I can smile and feel happy, that at the same time, in that same moment something fundamentally awful is happening as well.
Does life have to be black or white? Can we not feel grateful and feel unlucky at the same time? Can I not enjoy my family and their company but also feel pain and frustration and defeat?